Today is another day of feeling like I am coming out of this. A few days ago I was still in the middle of it, knowing I was in it, hoping to just sleep it off and wait it out… all the while knowing I had friends and family and some beautiful weather to be enjoying. I rallied and went out, but the inside of me looked a lot like the above panels. When the waves of emotion vary from almost grief-like crying to a numbing “who cares” indifference, I get exhausted. It’s too much for me to try and figure out, and I certainly can’t make any decisions when one minute I am making lists about EVERYTHING I am going to change in my life, and the next minute I am wrapped in blankets wondering exactly how much someone can cry before you become dehydrated. Or, actually, not wondering much at all.
And that’s the point I hit, in bed, staring at nothing, wondering what the point of all this was. I had been here before. But it has been a long time since I was down this hard. I am fortunate that I can see what is happening, outside of myself, and truly know that this would pass… and also fortunate enough to have resources and experience to lean on if I found myself not feeling more myself.
So here we are. Like I said, today is another, better, day. I’m checking things off the limited checklist I made for myself. I did have a good cry while talking with a friend, more cathartic than depressed tears <I think?> and the rest of the week is filled with both good and necessary tasks.
Thank you to everyone who wrote me, and I’m sorry that so many of you understand how I am feeling first hand. I truly appreciate hearing from all of you ❤️