Depression can be sneaky

I’m just pulling out of what was the lowest I have felt in years. It sort of snuck up on me. I hurt my back at some point this summer and just started PT, turns out there’s also a pinched nerve issue… it’s meant no kayaking or lifting things or sitting too long or twisting the wrong way (any way) and it was easy to blame the glum mood I felt creeping in on the lack of physical activity. I started feeling more tired — muscle fatigue I assumed, from not being able to bend my back. I started sleeping a lot.

Then I hit a wall with my work. I still am at an impasse and apologies to the few clients I am still behind schedule on. Lots of self-deprecating notions started floating around in my head. I started a new volunteer project with my local library that I am really excited about, and yet almost backed out because I felt like there was no way I could live up to their expectations.

Then the tears showed up. Which, honestly, is not unusual. I laugh easily, and cry equally easily. A blessing maybe, to have both? But these were heavy tears, and I climbed into bed to sleep off the emotional overload that was hitting me. But it didn’t help, hours of rest seemed to just fuel the sadness. So I ended up just laying there. Texting honest, but everything-is-okay messages to friends, sure that this would pass.

It’s fascinating to be able to go out in the world and smile and talk and assure everyone that “oh yes, I’m a little down but it will be fine” and even believe it yourself, and the moment you are alone again the wave of emotion hits again. I’ve decided it’s unfortunate that I am smart enough to see what is happening, but emotional enough that I can’t fully logic my way through it.

I’m going to draw more about this latest experience, which I am still riding the tail of, but wanted to talk about it to whoever is still reading this random blog — it’s so important that people are open about being unhappy, as well as happy! So go ahead, go drop a quick email or text to that friend you keep wondering about how they are doing. Do it now. And if they write back that they are doing okay, just let them know you were thinking about them… Sometimes that’s all it takes to put even a brief smile on their face, and that smile? That’s hope.