Reactivity
/“Ruminating and looping” are my safe spaces in my head. Whenever I have free time I’ll have entire conversations, play out whole scenarios, and give in to all my fear-based thought patterns. There are well-worn paths in my brain for things that have never happened, but COULD. Truly not the safest spaces to dwell in.
Some days these internal conversations spill over into real life conversations. Usually I’ve practiced the conversation in my head so many times that I can’t see how it would not follow my script — I convince myself it sounds Honest and Authentic and Telling My Truth, and is Necessary. But as my mouth goes on auto-pilot, and my body shifts into overly-sensitive hyper-awareness, I realize how ridiculous I sound, how scared, and how out of touch the reality I have created is.
There are good days and bad days. Good days when I feel secure and stable, and I’m walking on sunshine. And then there are the bad days, when I wonder when the rug will be pulled out from under me, and then all my defenses go on high alert… Every day has its challenges, and no one but myself notices the small battles that I do win. I’m working on placing more value on those small victories, of breaking a spiral, rather than obsessing on the moments when I realize I’ve created drama where there should be none.
This is part one of what I’d consider a lay-person’s guide to reactivity: https://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/calm-in-the-storm-part-i-decreasing-emotional-reactivity-0915154
