Ramblings

A friend posted the full quote on Facebook today, but this sentence really caught me.

I’m not sure exactly when the scales started tipping more in favor of my being jaded and slightly hostile in my sarcasm; when the guards I had in place became more permanent. I seem to recall being more open and friendly and truly caring than I am now, and I don’t know when it shifted, but I need to get back to that space. The last week or so I’ve been acutely aware of how out of balance I’ve become. No news flash there to the people that know and love me! But I hadn’t realized how much of the tears/anger/anxiety that spill out of me was coming from the fact that not only am I not truly letting kindness and love in — I am more stingy with letting love and kindness out.

I definitely have always been sarcastic, and to be honest, am slightly misanthropic. But those qualities have gotten a little sharper in the last few years, a little more mean, and they are feeding my insecurities. Maybe this is part of getting older, when you’ve seen relationships come and go, when you start realizing how so much of who you are was shaped as a child (and good luck rewiring THAT part of your brain), and you start looking at your love and energy as limited commodities.

I’m not a “gratitudes” sort of person, but I am working on appreciating the love and kindness and good vibes that are handed to me — instead of assuming they have strings attached… and am working on being more present and giving with the people around me.