Taking down decorations and life goes on

Today I slowly dismantled the Christmas tree, sorted holiday cards, and snooped around the apartment looking for all the little decorations I had hung, propped up, and precariously perched on shelves… There’s always one that I forget about, destined to be on permanent display. For some reason it made me feel… sad? No, not quite sad. Not anxious. Thoughtful? It was a cozy holiday all in all, but today while putting things away, well, I felt oddly lonely.

Not in an unloved way, but in a little lonely way of not being settled. I guess it’s a feeling of no matter what is stable and good in my life — I still feel a little like I’m on my own, a little adrift. It’s the word I think of when I feel that small ball of nothingness in my gut. Lonely. I’m reading about the third chakra (thank you therapy session number 4) and trying to find the right word to explain what feelings live there for me is difficult.

Anyway, today the tree went out in the snow bank. And I stood there for a moment just looking at it, remembering the porcupine and I walking about 15 feet into the woods to get it, and thinking what a good tree it was, when a gang of 3 birds showed up. I’d seen the woodpecker before (I think there is only one coming around) and there was a tufted titmouse (there are at least 3 that show up) and a chickadee (who the hell knows which one it was, there’s a mob of them that hang out here) and they all found a place to sit and proceeded to chirp loudly at me for a good 5 minutes… I imagined them chastising me for once again spending too much time overthinking things, and weighing in on the quality of seed in the feeder…