Keeping it Real and Donuts

There are donuts at the end of this, and all is well. Tuesday was Therapy Day and I had wound myself up by listening to a new-to-me audio about Non-Violent Communication (which sounds way scarier than it really is)… It was pretty interesting, and I was following along while working, and then they started discussing how people can feel that their needs are a burden on others. And in my usual way I started crying for no apparent reason. Well, I mean, the reason WAS apparent, something they said had set off my Neural Pathway Rollercoaster.

Isn’t that interesting? Say it out loud “My needs are a burden to others.” Can you relate to that? Do you express a need to someone and then immediately say “Nah, it’s okay, never mind.” or “… don’t worry about it if it’s a hassle…”? I do. I mean, within reason. If I need a hand getting up because I sat cross-legged too long I will ALWAYS take the offered hand. But if I am needing emotional support, it’s much harder. I feel like I am being silly, and often times, if I do ask, it’s worse when the person says “Yes” to fulfilling my need, because I think they are doing it from a place of looking down on me, or they think I am whiney, and basically they are helping begrudgingly.

The audio I was listening to continued — about how when our needs are unmet, usually because we aren’t asking for them to be filled, we can start feeling hostile and depressed… why? Because our needs aren’t being met. Because we haven’t asked anyone to meet them. This is a tidy little cycle.

Basically all this led up to a very interesting discussion with my therapist, and then another interesting discussion with a good friend, and then the Porcupine came over while I was in the middle of a well-deserved bubble bath (learning is important but exhausting). Oh, and yes, he brought donuts. And left the box half full with me in the morning. And all my will power went out the window. I’ll save that for my next therapy session. Donuts. This was all really about the donuts.

Haiku...

I discovered a new art challenge this month… only it’s poems! On Instagram I discovered #escapril — which has a prompt each day for writing a poem. Perfect for when my brain is exhausted but I still want to sketch something, and BONUS I am writing little haiku as well. I believe you can see some of my Instagram posts in the right side column of this blog (again, device dependent on where those darn things show up), I’ll put a post together later this week and catch you all up on here.

Overall the season is progressing nicely. The snow is finally melting (I can see bare ground HOORAY!), the temperatures have been in the 40s and 50s, and the sun has been shining. Feels like spring! My mind is racing with thoughts of kayaking, road trips, swimming, and in general not having to wear so many layers when heading outside.

I think I will be having a Spring Cleaning card sale soon — including holiday cards! I have plans for Bunny and Porcupine projects and need to make some space… stay tuned…

Below is today’s Escapril prompt.. hope you all have a cozy morning as well…

Yippee! It snowed!

Okay, I wasn’t actually excited about the storm. We ended up with about a foot of heavy snow and it’s falling off my roof and basically it will be July before I see anything green in the flower bed. Sigh.

I sold this original piece today to a lovely woman who asked about it after I posted on Facebook… I probably should mention that if you ever see art on here that you are interested in — as a card, a print, or original — please send me a note!

Tonight I am working on putting together some art and information to go on mugs that I can drop off at the Village Restaurant here in town — it’s a diner and they like to use mugs with local businesses advertised on them! I’ll definitely be dropping off the Blah Blah Blah mug, a perennial favorite and appropriate for diner chit-chat ;-)

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Well... that was exciting!

You may or may not have noticed that I took a little break from blogging and from Facebook. You also may or may not have noticed while reading my posts over the last few weeks (months?) that I was really feeling overwhelmed with snow, responsibilities, interacting with people, grocery shopping, deciding what socks to wear… okay, yes, I was having meltdowns over … well… pretty much everything under the sun (if the sun had been out).

What I hadn’t shared was that the Porcupine and I had already planned an Escape. We might have gone somewhere that had scenery like this:

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It was lovely. It was warm. There were lizards. And birds. And more traffic than I see for an entire year in Vermont (but I wasn’t driving, so, eh, no worries). There was the beach, and the ocean, and people watching to last me for months. I’ve never experienced this phenomenon, vacationing somewhere warm in winter, and you know what? I liked it. Of course I sketched a bit (I was posting erratically on Instagram)…

It’s been a whirlwind since arriving back home. There’s still snow here (with more forecast to arrive this weekend)… the chimney was blocked up and the chimney cleaner came today to clean it out… I had a little impromptu nose surgery (wart removal, I may need to draw about this as well)… and work, work, work… A few card orders need to head out the door tomorrow (HOORAY! And as always, thank you all for your support and sending me messages 🙂 ) … I am excited to be blogging again and am heading over to Facebook now to post some updates!! I had some creative brainstorming time in the sunshine, and I am going to try and keep the momentum going until I have free time and can get working on some bigger personal projects… Wish me luck!

February... almost made it...

I almost made it through February (my least favorite month) without imploding. And then yesterday we had snow, high winds, and lost power… and the town issued a boil water notice for the next 5-7 days… today wasn’t much better — still with the high winds and intermittent power. I can feel my inner bunny starting to rage back against the winter. I drew this as the last of the natural light was fading, grumbling to myself about how close I was to making it through this month without losing my mind. Now it’s 8:30pm and the power is back, my router finally recovered from all the hiccups of the day, and I double boiled my tea water and am settling into a book project. Sigh.

Hyper-Vigilance as a Comfort

I guess I am putting a lot of this out there, the low level anxiety… that’s because it’s something I am really trying to understand. I don’t have crippling panic attacks, I lead a fairly high-functioning life, but I am trying to work on these visceral reactions within basically any relationship I have … And trying to understand why there is this constant state of checking to see if I have done something “wrong,” which strangely also feels like a place I am comfortable in. Today in therapy we talked about what that hyper-vigilance / anxiety physically looks and feels like. I said it was dark and sticky. But I also realized tonight that it comforts me, it’s a defense mechanism, one that isn’t needed any more, but still wants to hold me tight when it thinks I am threatened or when I am feeling vulnerable. I’m going to work on comforting it, instead of letting it comfort me. At least all of this gives me good fodder for muses 🙂

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Early mornings by the fire

I like to sleep. I’ve been known to sleep 12-14 hours straight. Rarely, I will wake up early and decide that I need to get out of bed because whatever thoughts that woke me seem worse when mulling them under the covers.

Last night I went to bed early, feeling a vague sense of disquiet that I thought would be easier for my subconscious sort out. But no. I woke well before my alarm, and tossed and turned, and made up some really depressing narratives about my life, so I got out of bed, fired up the wood stove, and made my coffee. Pulled up the footstool and stared at the flames thinking I would wake up a little more and logic my way through the waves of unfounded anxiousness. It didn’t work.

But it was cozy, and the coffee tasted good. I tried to remain focused on feeling grateful for that. I stumbled through the rest of my day, and here I am again, in front of the wood stove, water, instead of coffee, thinking about going to bed already.

Leaving a trail of words

Walking home from therapy today I felt like I was dropping all the words from the last hour in the puddles behind me. Not in a way that meant I was shrugging them off, but more like a constant leak of crumbs. The loaf of bread is still mine, but those crumbs, man oh man, they get strewn everywhere. It’s funny how the brain works, those pesky neural networks, super highways of highly emotional belief systems… It’s exhausting trying to reroute those things! But I’ll keep trying.

Doing the Winter Thing

Today I finally strapped on the snowshoes and went for a little woodswalk by myself. It was absolutely lovely. There were several deer tracks, some that looked pretty fresh, so I followed those and sure enough, flushed a deer! I would have followed along to try and get a photo but with the deep snow I figured it didn’t need to exert any more energy.

The rest of the day was a blur of puttering around the apartment, chatting with friends, and reviewing emails to try and cobble together a schedule for the rest of the week (the work load is looking a little grim, I’ll be going to bed early tonight…)

Sometimes there's just me.

Sometimes I look back on my day and it’s all about what to sketch: Bunny and Porcupine, or maybe snarky little birds, or spiders just trying to fit in… Sometimes my memory of the day is all about the people I interacted with: Did I annoy them? Did they figure out their dilemma? Are they feeling better? Should I email them tomorrow? Sometimes the day goes by and at the end of it I have no thoughts at all. I’m not even sure what I did all day. Did I work? I must have. Did I go outside? I hope so.

However, sometimes I reach the end of my day and I’m just me. In my moment. No reminiscing. Still drawing bunnies but there’s nothing in my head but a flow of crazy feelings and words that I can’t seem to put on paper.

That’s me tonight. Fortunate enough to have a comfy couch under me, and cozy fire in the stove keeping me warm. I think I crossed enough off my To-Do List that I can feel accomplished, but don’t ask me what I did today.

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Snow. More snow. Did I mention it snowed on Sunday?

We knew it was coming. But still, that first plunge out the door was a little deeper than I expected. I had heard the plow guy next door and waded off the porch and down the driveway in hopes of catching him and asking if he’d tackle mine as well. Thankfully he was going up and down my street and did clean up the driveway for me… the porcupine and I dug into the pathways and clearing off the cars with gusto.

More has fallen since then, but I think it’s slowing down. Maybe 2 ft total? Hard to say. Enough. More than enough actually.

Then there was a short snowshoe with friends this afternoon, followed by a movie and tea and laughs… then I walked home in the fierce wind that has started up. Very Cold. Very. In fact the temps for tonight are forecasted for -7 with a windchill bringing it down to -24. Tomorrow has a high temp of 2. Suffice to say I won’t be going far. Chicken soup for supper, and the fire chugging away. Hope you all had a cozy day and night and morning!

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