Bellydancing Sheep and My Comfort Zone

It doesn't take much for me to reach the end of my comfort zone: Meeting new people. Doing anything remotely sports related (including playing frisbee or, heavens forbid, darts). Driving in more than two lanes of traffic. The idea of wearing make-up. Or high heels. Time to add to that list: doing creative work for friends. I get too caught up in my "people pleasing" head space, which never ends well. I've read that as an artist, and in general, it's good to get out of our comfort zones, and that one needs to do that to grow. So far this weekend I have hung out with new people, used a chop saw, learned the proper technique for throwing pieces of wood to someone who is working on their roof (without giving them a black eye or breaking any windows), AND that I *really* need to start drawing more, more, more... and drawing more than what I am comfortable drawing.

Jon Katz asked me to work on his logo for his redesigned blog. I agreed to work up a few sketches, and then totally froze... he's very honest about what's working and what's not and we seem to be moving forward with some characters I drew last year, while visiting his and Maria's farm, where they had belly dancers performing (so amazing!)... I think belly dancing sheep might work for him, and they should be my new mascots for pushing through my comfort zone  :-)

Sketches that don’t work and omg it’s so hot

I can’t even deal with the fact that it’s 9:40 pm and 80°F and humid. It was in the high 90s yesterday and today... and will be for the immediate future. I escaped reality with a friend for a while today... canoeing and river walking and adventuring, all in all it was a perfect summer experience, even with the heat. When I got home the plan was to sit and draw — something just for me and something for an actual project on my desk... but I kept sticking to the paper. Sticking to my desk. Sticking to my chair. And I swore a lot. So here’s part of a drawing that I gave up on, based on a rather intense discussion happening outside my kitchen window. I opted instead to do some computer work, and while I was still sticky it seemed more manageable...

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One step closer...

I'm trying to make things shift a little, since they aren't really moving on their own... Today I decided I needed to sit and finish the new look for my business card, so I can start putting it up around town, and handing it out to folks. I have two previously designed business cards floating around in my wallet, and don't really care for either of them... but I sorta like the way this came out... Abrah-BC-hardwick2

Trying to find my Groove

E8CDCC3E-CF80-46FD-A752-97C8D78D21FE This resettlement period is taking longer than I had anticipated... I haven’t yet found my groove in any aspect of my life! I’ve been maintaining a decent work schedule (this is the easiest one to commit to... I mean, paying bills is a high priority for me 😊)... but cleaning the house, doing laundry, making time for old and new friends and family, taking my car in for an oil change (how did I put that many miles on it so fast?)... it’s all still by the seat of my pants...  And to be honest, it feels like I am actually just starting to process everything that has happened in my life over the last... 16 (?!) years? So my head and heart are having several “a-ha” moments a day, which is simply exhausting. It seems like I am spending a lot of time just being tired.

The biggest missing groove is still the creative one. I can’t put my finger on exactly why it’s so hard to sit and sketch. It feels like Whimsical Abrah is on vacation... maybe visiting a sweet cottage by the ocean somewhere. I hope she’s enjoying herself. I did move my art space into the living area of my apartment, instead of upstairs in what I thought would be a studio. I’ve been asked to work on some drawings for a blog header for a friend, and this is been my hardest challenge yet. My Self Confidence seems to have disappeared with Whimsy. I spent some time today working through a few sketches of the critters involved... just putting pencil to paper took several deep breathes. I’ll get in the groove again, I just need to take a little more time.

Morning Chats

morning-chat Sometimes my morning chats include other people, sometimes it's just me and Shadow Bunny. I tend to win more discussions on those mornings.

I've been in my new home for 4 weeks and 4 days. It feels manageable, and it feels like I'm fitting in. I'm still not completely unpacked, and haven't fully decided where my office desk will be versus my art desk (upstairs and downstairs options!). Art and shelves are leaning against the walls waiting to be hung. I've ordered a new vacuum, and I'm telling myself that once it arrives I will move ahead with everything that has been languishing.

While the physical move was a pain in the butt, it's the mental and emotional move that are still affecting me. The self-deprecating default setting.

I am trying to pay more attention to the pauses I have in my day, when for just a single moment I feel content -- I just smile and my shoulders drop, and I breathe in.

 

 

 

Getting through the lonely moments

5AF68F27-E8E7-4FF3-857F-68B79C3F5063 The afternoon hours between 5 and 7 seem to be tripping me up. Work is finished by then and since I now live in an apartment  there aren’t really outdoor chores to tend to. Cooking for one means there is virtually no meal planning. Yesterday I drove to a local lake to just sit in the sunshine and listen to the water, and the families enjoying the evening. I felt broken. Probably everyone has had that moment, when you are alone and wonder how you got to this place. By the time I headed home I had decided to sit at my art desk for a while... just as I was finishing two new friends asked to come over for tea and pastries... and for a while the Universe seemed to balance out. I feel like this hare will be my Muse for a while, she seems easy to work with.

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Still adjusting...

I feel like it has been months and months since the move, and when I realize it's only been 3 weeks I try to reset my brain. It's okay that I am not drawing. It's okay I haven't made 10 new friends in town. It's okay that I am still not completely unpacked. This morning I had a little anxiety attack about everything and decided I better go find someplace deep in the woods to just breathe.

 

Home

apartment I've always been good at settling into new environments, maybe because of visiting family a lot as a kid, then moving often as an adult... and I was a natural when taking on multiple weeks of house and pet-sitting... I can set up the basics pretty quickly, and stake a claim, I can sleep peacefully pretty much anywhere.

So, while I'm settling in, the past two weeks though have been a challenge. There's been an emotional break from my old home: a place and a person... a professional break from the office I used to keep in town... mental juggling of what will fit in my new apartment and what will go into storage.... I'm trying to make conscious choices about what my new Home will contain, nothing that makes me feel guilty... nothing that drains me.... nothing that no longer fits (goodbye pretty dress that I have NEVER worn in public and never will!)... and personally, figuring out Who Lives In This Home.  I know it's still me, but it's a version of me that I think I have only just gotten comfortable being. I'm excited to be her.

I treasure each of the gifts that are filling my space, these are in the nooks and crannies, amid boxes and chaos, reminding me to smile.

 

Morning Sketch... with Pear...

pear This morning was the first time I sat outside with my sketchbook. I had a pear from a friend and sat on the porch sharing it and thanking my Muses for traveling with me. It felt like a long time since I had picked up the pencil to draw, and last night I actually had a moment of "what if I can't do it any more"... it's funny how that self-doubt creeps in.

I'm still unpacking, and am swamped with with work projects, but the sun is shining and I am feeling more settled. I've met the local hummingbirds, cardinals, and a woodchuck that reminded me of the White Rabbit in Alice in Wonderland. I was taken on hiking trails a few minutes up the road, one has Tiny Free Library just off the path! I almost have my post office combination memorized, and already have 5 books on loan from the library.

Wishing you all of you a day with some joy and light... I found mine already this morning.

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Things I have left behind

left Over the years of break-ups and moving ons, I have left behind cracked bowls. Holey jeans. Single socks.

I have left dust bunnies. Stale popcorn. Freezer burned ice cream.

I've left behind unloved art. Boring books. Stained pillows.

I have left treasured plants. Generations of chipmunks. Rocks with stories.

Broken hearts. Questions unanswered. Faith. I've left those behind as well.

I somehow never leave behind the guilt, the worry, the "what-if." I carefully package the "it's my fault" along with flower vases.  The "I'm sorry" tucked in with the wine glasses. The "I'll be fine" rides along in the passenger seat.

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Everything is okay, but I am moving, to a different town, about a half an hour from where I am now. Each time I have moved, whether with a partner or without, that sense of upheaval takes it's toll. I'm excited about what's ahead of me, and yes, eager to unpack art supplies, but there's always so many things left behind...